I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You Might Also Like
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
this has to be peak English
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober