1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.