Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.