Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.