Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms