My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Not😆🤣
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?