yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”