Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
You Might Also Like
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.