Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Bond. Trauma bond.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.