“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
beware of dog
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?