Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL