Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
This story is comedy gold 😂
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster