Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes