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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|