Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Worth the read.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them