[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
You Might Also Like
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Science memes
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
And now we wait
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.