Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.