“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.