Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My daily affirmation
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.