Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D