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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.