Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
You Might Also Like
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf