[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?