If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*sewing*
A thread
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??