Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
when nothing goes right… go left
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
A man of commitment.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
my favorite genre of twitter
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?