When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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Rambo Rambow
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
A short story about romance.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”