my mom making me talk to relatives
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.