Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I wish I could veto my bills.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.