I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.