Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 馃檨
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
people are doing cold plunges and i鈥檓 like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
It鈥檚 amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
never forget
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there鈥檚 only enough left for me
him: there鈥檚 a whole bottle
me: yes
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*