Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)