Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Great game to play with friends
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.