When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex