I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.