8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
the world’s most popular steaming services
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.