Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Social Media and Real life
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.