“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets