5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Going into Monday like
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
This is what makes twitter great
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this