when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
my dog when i have a friend over
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*