Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.