Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses