gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
meow
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.