My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
so this horse walks into a bar
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*