he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car