I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.