When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Pat is about to own someone
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Effort made
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.