I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
God has left this place
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels