Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro