‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
New Tinder profile.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no