It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.